Spanking for Vanillas 101: Lesson 2 – Asserting Dominance

Ok, so, your partner is into spanking and you, being an amazing human being, wish to fulfill their needs. So, you happily take them over your knee and blister their bottom. You even administer a good scolding, because you read this post and got the techniques down. They’re happy, you’re happy, and you consider this whole DD thing resolved until their next session. But guess what? They don’t! You may be surprised to find out that the occasional spanking is not enough to satisfy most bottoms.

If your partner has asked you for a DD lifestyle, then that’s what they most likely meant: a lifestyle. Not a “once in a blue moon”-style. They want you to start acting in a more dominant manner and keeping up with their discipline.

PLEASE NOTE: Every bottom is different. Some may want a lot of discipline, and some may want minimal oversight. It’s up to the two of you to discuss where exactly on the spectrum you both wish to be, but I feel safe in saying that most bottoms want more than the occasional isolated spanking.

If you’re new to DD, your partner is going to be looking for some regular reassurance that you’re really in on this with them. Be on the lookout for little opportunities to assert a bit of dominance with them. (And no, I don’t mean become an asshole. Keep reading.) Here are some small actions you can take to reassure them that you’re in this for good:

Don’t miss opportunities. Little misbehaviors and conflicts will naturally pop up. I can guarantee you that your bottom will be hyper tuned in to how you handle them. Did she leave the towels unfolded again? Instead of sarcastically calling out “Wow babe, thanks for folding the towels,” or shaking your head and folding them yourself, call her out on it directly! “Cindy (we’re assuming her name is Cindy), come here.” When she arrives, follow up with something along the lines of “Would you care to explain what these towels are doing here?” If she’s not at home, text her a picture of the towels with the caption “We need to talk.” (Personally that would send shivers down my spine!) If you’re fortunate enough to have privacy, consider administering quick spanking right there, bent over the towels that she didn’t fold. Don’t squander these opportunities!

Check in randomly: If your partner is not doing anything wrong, you can just randomly check up on them and how they’re doing with following the rules you both agreed to. For example: “Are you exercising enough this week?” “Are you focusing at work?” “How’s the budget going?” etc. You can text them during the day occasionally (don’t overdo it though). Something like “Are you behaving yourself?” “Are you focusing on work?”

Be protective: If your bottom is going out, especially if they’re going out in what could be a dangerous situation such as running by themselves, ask questions for their protection. Set terms for safety. “Where are you going,” or “when will you be back” are good ones. With the caveat that if they for any reason get delayed, they can text you an update with no consequences. And if they are delayed and forget to update you… consequences!

Be playful: You can assert dominance playfully! If they jab you in the side to be funny, grab them by the back of the neck and playfully threaten them. If they’re being playfully sarcastic (“Wow, I didn’t know it was possible to score that low in Guitar Hero”) be playfully sarcastic right back! “Unfortunately it is! Come get over my knee so I can improve on my tempo and handwork.”

Be positive: Dominance isn’t always negative! If they’re being good, you can point that out.

If done right, just a few actions like this a day will reassure your partner and keep them in the right mindset. And whatever you do, be sure to follow through with any promised punishments – that might be the most reassuring thing you can possibly do!

Happy Spanking 🙂

Spanking for Vanillas 101: Lesson 1 – The Art of Scolding

One more thing. indoor shot of displeased angry european man with moustache  and beard, shaking index finger and frowning from displeasure and annoyance  | Free Photo

Any spankee will tell you that scolding is extremely important. As Jillian Keenan says, spanking/discipline is really a “verbal kink.” We bottoms don’t get anything out of just having our backsides tanned – we need context. And it’s up to you, dear top, to provide that context by scolding.

After my husband’s first time spanking me, I realized that he had no idea what to say during a spanking… because I hadn’t told him! So I typed this up and emailed it to him. I’m editing it for public consumption and posting it now so that it can help others who might not know. After all, I’m all about helping others achieve the perfect spanking 😉

Scolding is so important and so effective that many bottoms will tell you that a good scolding can be worse than a spanking. Personally, it’s very rare for actual pain to bring me to tears, but I can be made to cry just from being scolded effectively. So let’s get into it – here’s how to scold!

One of the first things you need to do is determine if your bottom has any particular trigger words or phrases. Being called “young lady” is one of my particular triggers. It makes me feel all sorts of feelings – dread, anticipation, excitement… it can be used in a joking way or very sternly in a serious way and it can have different effects. But no matter what, it gets my attention. So ask them what they want to be called when they’re in trouble.

Most tops also make the bottom call them “sir” or “ma’am” when they’re being punished or scolded. Questions typically must be answered with “yes sir/ma’am” or “no sir/ma’am.” It’s up to you if you want to enforce this with your bottom.

So, once you’ve established those things…

Here’s what to do during a spanking:

Be serious: During the spanking, it’s important to remain serious. After all, your bottom has committed a mistake or infraction and needs to realize how serious it is. If you have a scary “you’re in trouble” voice, use it! (Of course, if we’re just playing for fun, it can be for a silly reason “oh how dare you splash water on me, you’re in for it now!” In that case the scolding would be a little funny.) But if you’re actually punishing them for something real, you should try to be serious.

Set the scene: The spanking needs to start somehow. If your bottom knows they’re in trouble, they are probably waiting to be told what to do. So, set some initial context: “We need to talk,” or “I think it’s time we had a conversation about your recent behavior.” Then you can ask them “Do you know why you need to be punished?” Or, you can simply tell them: “You’re getting a spanking because you forgot to pay the bills on time again.” (Yes, I’m using one of my frequent mistakes as an example.) Tell them to get into position. “Come here,” “get over my knee,” “bend over the bed,” etc. You can tell them to remove their pants/panties, or you can start them off clothed and make them remove them later.

Scold during the spanking: The idea is to put the bottom into a frame of mind where they can see what they did wrong, why they’re wrong, and the impact of their actions. Some bottoms need punishment because they are inherently stubborn. Even if they are submitting to you, they may still be of the mindset that they are right. It’s up to you to divorce them of that notion! Your scolding needs to bring on regret. If they’ve done something to disappoint you, make that disappointment clear! Make the impact of their actions clear as well. Not just “that really pissed me off,” but “when you disrespect me, you’re undermining our marriage and you’re damaging the relationship.” Go for the deeper impact!

Prompt them: This doesn’t work for all bottoms, but you can have a kind of conversation as you scold. You can ask questions, or have them explain themselves, or whatever you think they need.

DO NOT insult them! Remember, at the end of the day, a DD relationship is about care, trust, and mutual respect. DO NOT call them stupid, dumb, idiotic, etc. Preferably, do not curse at them, unless you know that that’s effective for them and doesn’t hurt their feelings. I saw something once in one of Loren’s videos from PunishmentsOnly – he asked a girl why she was being spanked. She said “because I’m irresponsible.” He stopped right there and clarified that she was not being spanked because she was irresponsible, she was being spanked because she made an irresponsible choice. He further stated that she wasn’t being punished for a character flaw, but for bad decisions. I love that! So don’t punish them for their personality or character – punish them for their choices.

Have a conclusion: At some point, the spanking does have to stop. If you just say “there, ok, you’re done,” and let them up, then it really falls flat. You should draw to a conclusion with questions like “is this going to happen again?” “What do you think is going to happen if you do this again?” Or, again, you can use statements: “I don’t want this to happen again, young lady!” or “If you try this again, you’re going to find yourself right back over my knee!” Finish with a final round of spanks. If your bottom needs it, you can praise them after the spanking “You took that very well,” or “I know you’re going to be a good girl from now on.”

So that’s it. If it’s done right, we can be squirming and regretting our choices more from the scolding than from the spanking!

I know it’s hard to visualize without an example, so I wrote one up for you! (I’m awesome like that). This one is pretty minimal – you could add A LOT to draw it out and really make them feel remorse. But I figured we’d start with the basics:

Sample Script for Scolding While Spanking:

Example: not paying the bills on time. Here are some things you could say while emphasizing the lesson with spanks (bottom’s possible answers are in parenthesis)

You: Young lady, we need to have a conversation. It’s come to my attention that you missed the bill payments again.

Bottom: (Is either contrite or sassy, it depends!)

You: We’re going to have a long talk about this. Get over my knee, young lady!

Spanking commences…

You: Why are you being punished? (I didn’t pay the bills on time)

You: I hope you understand how serious this is. Paying bills late can affect your credit, young lady! (yes sir)

You: And this has happened before, hasn’t it? (yes) What was that? (Yes sir) That’s better!

You: From now on, you’re going to keep better track of the due dates! Do you put the bills in your calendar? (Yes sir) Do you get reminders on your phone to pay them? (Yes sir) Then why didn’t you pay them on time? (I procrastinated, sir.)

(Here’s where you make them feel bad for being so irresponsible)

You: I can’t believe you’d be that irresponsible. I’m very disappointed in you! You had every resource, every opportunity to pay those bills on time and you didn’t do it! You know better than that! (Yes sir, I’m sorry sir)

You: From now on, you will pay the bills on time, do you understand me? (yes sir) Am I making myself clear? (yes sir) And you’re going to sit down today and pay those bills, aren’t you? (yes sir)

(Alternate route: You could ask them to name a specific date and time that they’re going to commit to paying those bills. If they hesitate, spank harder!)

You: And if you miss any more payments, what do you think is going to happen? (You’ll spank me) That’s right, young lady, you’ll find yourself right back over my knee. And it’s going to be much worse next time!

(By this point, they’re probably feeling the burn on their butt and their conscience. So you can do a final series of hard spanks to drive the point home and then end with a conclusion.)

You: Have you learned your lesson? (yes sir) I hope we won’t have to have this conversation again.

Commence aftercare! Here is a good place to praise.

Again, scoldings can go a long way even without a spanking being involved. I find them especially helpful when I’m stubbornly insisting that I’m right and I need to be talked down from my high horse 😉

Happy scolding!