This may come as a shocker but… I’m married to a vanilla husband.
I’ll wait for you to finish your gasp.
We have been married for 5 years, and I only, just now, yesterday, came out of the closet as a spanko to him. I told him that I wanted a DD relationship and tried to explain what that entails.
I wanted to write a post on how it went, since I know there are hundreds of people like me hoping to convert their vanilla partners. Maybe my story can help you, just like reading others’ stories helped me.
So, it all began when we were dating… I believe that part of what attracted me to him was his dominant nature. We had recently started having sex with each other, and I shyly told him that I liked being spanked. He didn’t react harshly, but he just matter of factly told me that he wasn’t into that. “I can’t hurt a woman,” he explained. And so, horrified that I had let him see that side of me, I let it drop. And I didn’t mention it again… for 6 YEARS.
Wow. Yeah. To be fair, we went through a lot in that time… marriage, a couple really hard years, and then having kids. For a while I was so focused on surviving life that I couldn’t even long for what I didn’t have. It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – my foundational needs were not being satisfied, so I didn’t have the luxury of reaching for the higher ones. I was at a job I hated, my marriage was in constant conflict, and I was engaged in the constant struggle that all working mothers with small children face.
It wasn’t until recently that our marital problems stabilized, I found a better job, finished having babies, and started to make some positive changes in our marriage that life has seemed to allow me some breathing space.
Foreground (that works, right?)
As soon as I got that space, the intense need for a domestic discipline relationship came roaring back. I was shocked; I thought I had learned to live without it. I thought I had tamped that part of me down until it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. After all, I knew my husband was vanilla and definitely NOT into spanking. I had accepted that I would never get that from him. So I was both surprised and dismayed when I suddenly wanted it more than I ever had before.
In response, I embraced this blog and picked it back up again. And I discovered something that changed my life… spanko Twitter! I have never used Twitter before, but when I realized that Loren of PunishmentsOnly was on it, I decided to take a look. And from there I went down the rabbit hole – I quickly followed hundreds of fellow spankos in all kinds of situations. Some live the lifestyle 24/7 and attend spanking parties every weekend. Some are in relationships with fellow spankos and their lives are full of smacked bottoms. Some are single but long for their spanking soulmate. But the ones that resonated most with me were those like myself – spanko women married to vanilla husbands.
It was then that I discovered something shocking – some of them had come out to their husbands, and convinced them to live a DD lifestyle! My jaw dropped. “HOW?” Was the question that catapulted through my head every time I came across one of them. I started to message some of them, and they responded with warmth and kindness. They told me their stories, and many of them pointed me to Jillian Keenan, who I’d never heard of before. I read this blog post by TheDismayQueen about converting her vanilla husband. I couldn’t help but realize that my own husband had a lot of the markers that she identified in her husband as signs that he had the potential to be a HoH.
The Inherent Potential
- He’s authoritative: This is true! Many people are intimidated by him based on the stern faces he makes. He is not shy about sharing his opinions about how people (ahem, me) should behave. He’s a natural scolder – the only problem was that he would save up his anger and then spew it all out at me in one long rant that would leave me speechless and feeling like I’d just weathered a hurricane.
- He’s protective: In a good way, not a jealous way. If it’s raining, he tells me to drive carefully. He’s very concerned about my safety and not afraid of telling me to be safe.
- He’s not a doormat: This was something I found very attractive right form the beginning – he will NOT allow me to walk all over him. If he doesn’t want to do something, he won’t do it. If he draws a line in the sand, he won’t move it.
- He’s often fed up with my sh#t: This may have been the best indicator that he might like to spank me. Look, I’m the first to admit that I’m a brat. And I can be annoying. And headstrong. And impatient. And 100% convinced of my eternal rightness. I know I do 100 things that frustrate him, but he never felt like he could say much about them.
My Mission Begins
After discovering spanko Twitter and deciding that my husband just may be possible to convert, I spent 2 weeks living and breathing it and doing tons of research until I had convinced myself that I HAD to come clean to him. It helped that everyone I talked to urged me to do it – they had all been in similar situations, and they pointed out that it was important to be honest with my life partner. Eventually, I came around to their way of thinking.
And so, I did what all cowards… um I mean writers do, and I wrote him a letter. A 6 page, single spaced letter. There was just so much to say! In it I summarized what I thought had happened to us in the beginning of our marriage and why we don’t communicate well, then I led into a “solution” I had – Domestic Discipline. I told him how I had been into spanking since I was 5 years old and how I believe I was born with this fetish. I explained how it would work, rules and punishments and whatnot. And I begged him to keep and open mind and remember that I loved him.
In the meantime, while I was composing the letter and working up the nerve to give it to him, I went ahead and started treating him like a HoH.
I focused on being more respectful of him and more affectionate towards him. I listened to him more and tried to see his point of view. When he talked, I put my phone down and really listened. When he asked me to do something, I did it with no argument and no resentment. I thought of ways to show him I care. I pursued him sexually and we started having regular sex again for the first time in years.
And he blossomed! He became loving, kind, thoughtful, and affectionate. It was amazing! We started to text again just for fun (it had been so long)! We touched all the time in passing. He called me during the workday to check on me when he knew I was in a bad mood. It felt like we were dating again!
Of course, he didn’t fail to notice the drastic change in my behavior. He kept asking “Why are you so affectionate lately? What do you want?” I dissembled as much as I could, but after a particularly good session in bed, I mentioned that I had written him a letter that I needed him to read. I admitted that it was 6 pages, and he groaned but said he would read it. We did decide he should wait until the weekend, so I spent an anxious few days leading up to giving him the letter. I decided to record myself reading it so that he would have the option of listening to it on the way to work if he preferred. I ended the audio recording with “My biggest fear is that you’ll be disgusted and angry with me, soooo please don’t do that!”
As the weekend loomed closer, I grew pensive and sad. I wondered if I’d be ruining the peace I had so recently managed to achieve. I wondered too if I’d be sounding the death knell of our marriage. My husband asked me a couple of times what was wrong, but I shrugged it off each time and tried to put a smile on.
Finally, on Friday morning, I attached both the audio and text version to an email, addressed it to him, pressed “send,” and ran out the door to work. It was not the bravest method of delivery, but it got the job done.
And then I spent the entire day feeling nauseous, secure in the knowledge that I had ruined my marriage.
What if he was disgusted? What if there was no way in hell he could ever be ok with spanking me? What if he was disappointed that I’m not a strong, independent woman after all? Would this mean that he would be upset knowing that he could never satisfy me? What if he thought the whole thing was ridiculous and laughed at me?
Those questions and more ran rampant inside my head until 9pm, when he finally came home from work. He was cheerful, normal, and… he hadn’t had a chance to read the letter yet.
I was crushed. All the anxiety I had undergone throughout the day came crashing down on me, leaving me worn out and down in the dumps. “It’s not important to him. I’m not important to him,” my stupid insecure brain was whispering to me. I went to bed disheartened. I may have listened to “Hurt” by Johnny Cash on repeat for a while… it’s best not to say.
The next morning, he came downstairs and told me that he wanted to read it right then. “Wait,” I said, cringing at the idea of sitting there while he read or listened to it, “Let me take both the kids and run an errand.” And so, off I went, knowing that he would finally be listening to me bare my soul (he told me that he would choose the audio version). Strangely, I was no longer anxious – I think I had burned out my anxiety circuits the day before.
I put it off as long as I could, but finally the baby was due for a nap and I had to go home. As I walked in the door, lugging the car seat with me and prompting my toddler to come inside, I saw my husband on the couch. He looked at me.
“Spanking?!” he burst out in disbelief, laughing.
My face immediately turned crimson. “Yes, but don’t say it in front of the kids!”
As I got the children situated, he told me that he was only halfway through the recording. What followed was the most embarrassing 10 minutes I can recall in my recent history as he finished listening to it in front of me and made humorous comments in reaction to what he was hearing. The baby was now sleeping soundly upstairs, but my toddler looked at my face and said “Mommy’s face is pink!”
“It’s ok,” my husband replied, “soon her bottom will be pink too!”
I don’t know what color my face turned just then, but I’m sure it was many shades darker. I don’t believe I’ve ever been that embarrassed and relieved at the same time – he was reacting favorably! Finally, when he was done and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at him, I went up to him for a hug. “So, do you still love me?” I asked shyly. “Of course!” he replied, and smacked me on the bottom. “We’ll talk about it when both kids are asleep.”
I can’t describe how happy I was just then. The worst was over – I had come out to my husband, and he wasn’t disgusted or angry! If anything, he seemed amused and happy. I counted down the hours until finally both children went down for naps. My husband didn’t miss a beat – as soon as I got downstairs, he led me to the couch and told me to sit by him.
What followed may be the most open, accepting, and honest conversation we’ve ever had. He assured me right from the start that he didn’t think it was weird, and that everyone has their kinks. Because he was SO comfortable with the topic, I opened up and shared how intrinsic I believe this is to me. I told him I’d been exploring spanko twitter and talking to other women there. I told him how I’d been discovering that many people were just like me, even down to obsessively looking up the word “spank” in the dictionary as kids. I shared some of what I had learned from Jillian Keenan. And he listened to it all! Was he angry that I had hidden this for so long? No, he assured me, he wasn’t, but he was sad for me. He wondered if our first years would have been different had I shared this from the beginning.
I hardly even knew the man I was talking to – over 5 years I had built him up in my head as this judgmental, irritable obstacle to my happiness. I hid more and more and communicated less and less, until not talking about things was far more comfortable and normal than talking about them. I regret that now, but I’m happy that this new chapter in our relationship will be full of communication… even if it’s mostly with me over his knee!
The First Spanking
It was then that it dawned on us that both children were asleep and we had a chance to try this out. My husband was surprisingly eager, and so we embarked on our first spanking together…
But that’s another post 😉
Granted, it’s only day 2, but I’m pleasantly surprised by how quickly my husband has embraced this change! Already, he’s taken advantage of his new power to put his foot down a couple of times with a well placed smack on my bottom. I foresee a long and happy life ahead of many well-deserved spankings for yours truly 😉
And so, what advice can I give to someone in my position? How can a spanko bottom convert their vanilla partner?
My advice is:
Make sure you’re both in a good place in your life and relationship to make this change. This may not be a good change to attempt if one of you is in a very stressful job, or pregnant, or undergoing any other massive drain on your energy.
Be honest about whether he/she has potential. If they’re inherently submissive themselves, it may not be possible.
Go ahead and start treating him/her like your HoH before you ask for it. Build them up!
When you do tell them, be as open as you can! I know it’s embarrassing, but it’s the only way they’ll ever start to understand. They’re not psychic and they don’t think like a spanko, so they need to hear everything from you!
If they accept, be prepared to go slow and be patient. This is where I am now – I know that he’s ok with it and he wants to learn how to do what I need, so I need to go slowly, not overwhelm him, and encourage any attempt he makes at doing this.
Conclusion to the Conclusion
If you’re in the anguishing situation of hiding what you are from the person you love, I hope you can come around to telling them soon. I can’t describe how free I feel to finally have this off my chest! Just go slow, be open, and GO FOR IT!