This is a topic that confounds everyone, spankos and vanillas alike. If we like to be spanked, how could it possibly be a punishment that would deter any kind of behavior? I tried to explain this to my husband and I’ve seen a lot of commentary lately about it on spanko Twitter, so let me try to consolidate some of it along with my thoughts. Disclaimer: I am a shameless brat, so I’ll be speaking from that point of view. I know there are other types of bottoms, and my reasoning might not work for them.
A connection like no other
Here is how I explained it to my husband: I don’t like the actual pain of the spanking, I like the dynamic. I like knowing that my HoH cares about me enough to uphold the contract. I also like dealing with the problem right then and there, instead of letting hurt feelings fester. This type of relationship forces constant, deep communication. No more cold silences and hurt feelings – everything comes into the light during a spanking and can be dealt with. Once the spanking is over, all is forgiven and the slate is clean. It’s an intimate dynamic that creates an intense connection.
Aside from that, I’ve identified a few traits within myself that might help explain why I like being spanked/living in a DD relationship. I’m wondering if these traits might be common to a large number of brat-type bottoms, but I don’t want to generalize. So for now, I’ll just talk about myself:
I’m a thrill seeker. I have a recent theory (which TheDismayQueen kind of hit on in this blog post addressing the same topic) that bottoms/brats might be inherent thrill seekers. From a young age I loved the game Truth or Dare, and always hoped I would be dared. The idea of getting away with something AND of failing and getting in trouble has always thrilled me. There is some perverse part of me that has always enjoyed skirting danger, whether it’s riding a horse at breakneck speed down a narrow drop off trail on the side of a mountain during a thunderstorm in Mexico (yes I did that) or continuing to brat an irate top whose spanking hand is twitching. I feel ALIVE when I’m pushing the boundaries and taking a risk. I revel in casting common sense to the side and daring the universe to do something about it. Now, when the universe does do something about it and I actually have to suffer consequences for my actions, do I enjoy it? No! But I can only get that thrill by rolling the dice. It’s thrilling to live with the constant threat/possibility of a spanking.
I’m prone to brooding. I don’t know about you, but when I’m upset I like to drive around listening to angry music and rage-singing. When I’m depressed I choose the saddest songs and wallow in it shamelessly. I can’t overcome the emotion without going through it. The playlists on my phone are organized into emotions – My top 5 are Happy relaxed, Happy hyper, Bad day depressed, Bad day angry, and Pensive. If I’ve had a bad day, when I come home I’ll let that frustration sit inside of me unless I can get it out with exercise and angry music. So naturally, If I do something wrong, I brood over that too. If I hurt my husband’s feelings, then he gets upset and decides not to talk to me all day, I brood big time. Even if I’m initially angry, that soon fades and then I just feel guilty. A spanking is a way of cutting the process short. You go through all of the negative emotions in one session, and then they dissipate.
I’m proud… and I know that I need to be taken down a notch. Look, I like to be right. I find it very hard to apologize, especially if I’m angry. I may desperately want to apologize, but I just can’t get the words out. A spanking knocks me off my high horse and humbles me so that I can apologize. It lets me realize I was wrong and helps me see the other point of view. It also forces me to let go of my pride and allows my secret submissive side to come out.
I enjoy feeling shame. That’s weird, isn’t it? I think it follows after the pride part. Once I’ve been dumped off my aforementioned high horse and I can see the error of my ways, glorious shame comes rushing in. I find it odd, because I’m not at ALL into humiliation. I don’t think it’s tied to humiliation at all – I think I like it because it pushes me into submissive head space. The more shame I feel, the more submissive I feel. And the more shame I feel, the more right the spanking feels. This is why good scolding is so important (and if you need tips on that, do your bottom a favor and check out this post).
Spanking offers everything
All of the traits and feelings I’ve discussed above can be indulged and satisfied by the dynamic created in a DD relationship. I get to flirt with danger, I am saved from my tendency to brood, I get help overcoming my pride, and I get shamed into delicious submissiveness. I also get a deep connection with my HoH that features constant communication. In the end I feel loved, cared for, heard, and purified… even if my bottom hurts!