How is spanking a punishment if you like it?

This is a topic that confounds everyone, spankos and vanillas alike. If we like to be spanked, how could it possibly be a punishment that would deter any kind of behavior? I tried to explain this to my husband and I’ve seen a lot of commentary lately about it on spanko Twitter, so let me try to consolidate some of it along with my thoughts. Disclaimer: I am a shameless brat, so I’ll be speaking from that point of view. I know there are other types of bottoms, and my reasoning might not work for them.

A connection like no other

Here is how I explained it to my husband: I don’t like the actual pain of the spanking, I like the dynamic. I like knowing that my HoH cares about me enough to uphold the contract. I also like dealing with the problem right then and there, instead of letting hurt feelings fester. This type of relationship forces constant, deep communication. No more cold silences and hurt feelings – everything comes into the light during a spanking and can be dealt with. Once the spanking is over, all is forgiven and the slate is clean. It’s an intimate dynamic that creates an intense connection.

Aside from that, I’ve identified a few traits within myself that might help explain why I like being spanked/living in a DD relationship. I’m wondering if these traits might be common to a large number of brat-type bottoms, but I don’t want to generalize. So for now, I’ll just talk about myself:

I’m a thrill seeker. I have a recent theory (which TheDismayQueen kind of hit on in this blog post addressing the same topic) that bottoms/brats might be inherent thrill seekers. From a young age I loved the game Truth or Dare, and always hoped I would be dared. The idea of getting away with something AND of failing and getting in trouble has always thrilled me. There is some perverse part of me that has always enjoyed skirting danger, whether it’s riding a horse at breakneck speed down a narrow drop off trail on the side of a mountain during a thunderstorm in Mexico (yes I did that) or continuing to brat an irate top whose spanking hand is twitching. I feel ALIVE when I’m pushing the boundaries and taking a risk. I revel in casting common sense to the side and daring the universe to do something about it. Now, when the universe does do something about it and I actually have to suffer consequences for my actions, do I enjoy it? No! But I can only get that thrill by rolling the dice. It’s thrilling to live with the constant threat/possibility of a spanking.

I’m prone to brooding. I don’t know about you, but when I’m upset I like to drive around listening to angry music and rage-singing. When I’m depressed I choose the saddest songs and wallow in it shamelessly. I can’t overcome the emotion without going through it. The playlists on my phone are organized into emotions – My top 5 are Happy relaxed, Happy hyper, Bad day depressed, Bad day angry, and Pensive. If I’ve had a bad day, when I come home I’ll let that frustration sit inside of me unless I can get it out with exercise and angry music. So naturally, If I do something wrong, I brood over that too. If I hurt my husband’s feelings, then he gets upset and decides not to talk to me all day, I brood big time. Even if I’m initially angry, that soon fades and then I just feel guilty. A spanking is a way of cutting the process short. You go through all of the negative emotions in one session, and then they dissipate.

I’m proud… and I know that I need to be taken down a notch. Look, I like to be right. I find it very hard to apologize, especially if I’m angry. I may desperately want to apologize, but I just can’t get the words out. A spanking knocks me off my high horse and humbles me so that I can apologize. It lets me realize I was wrong and helps me see the other point of view. It also forces me to let go of my pride and allows my secret submissive side to come out.

I enjoy feeling shame. That’s weird, isn’t it? I think it follows after the pride part. Once I’ve been dumped off my aforementioned high horse and I can see the error of my ways, glorious shame comes rushing in. I find it odd, because I’m not at ALL into humiliation. I don’t think it’s tied to humiliation at all – I think I like it because it pushes me into submissive head space. The more shame I feel, the more submissive I feel. And the more shame I feel, the more right the spanking feels. This is why good scolding is so important (and if you need tips on that, do your bottom a favor and check out this post).

Spanking offers everything

All of the traits and feelings I’ve discussed above can be indulged and satisfied by the dynamic created in a DD relationship. I get to flirt with danger, I am saved from my tendency to brood, I get help overcoming my pride, and I get shamed into delicious submissiveness. I also get a deep connection with my HoH that features constant communication. In the end I feel loved, cared for, heard, and purified… even if my bottom hurts!

Missed Spanking Opportunities in TV Shows

Does this ever happen to you when you’re watching a show? A girl on the screen behaves like brat or gets caught in a lie, and the man in her life is furious, and you think “ooooh this is it, she’s not going to be able to sit for a week!” 99% of the time, the TV show writers are apparently NOT spankos, because I end up very disappointed :/

Such was the case last night when I was watching Dickinson on Apple TV+. It’s a very good show if you haven’t seen it. Emily Dickinson with modern music and lingo – I love it!

But in episode 10, Emily’s best friend is getting ready to marry her older brother. They’re kind of in love with each other, but in the end they decide that her marrying Emily’s brother is the best thing. The brother has been portrayed as a goofy, mostly clueless lovable guy for the whole season.

So her friend Sue is getting ready, and Emily comes to see her. She can tell that Sue is sad about what she’s giving up, so she leads her outside to prance around like they used to when they were younger. Unfortunately, Sue is wearing her expensive, custom-made wedding dress during the frolicking and it gets very dirty.

Later, Austin (Emily’s brother and Sue’s fiance) comes to see Sue before the wedding. He finds her crying and holding one of Emily’s poems. When he notices her ruined wedding dress, he suddenly transforms into an outraged authority figure. (This is when I perked up!) He’s incensed and asks her if she’s been inside all day getting ready like she was supposed to be. Sue sheepishly admits that she went out with Emily. Austin is furious and yells “Do you know how much I paid for that dress?!” Then he notices the poem – he’s aware that Emily and Sue kind of had a thing for each other. He strides off to go confront Emily and Sue pleads for him to stop, but he roars “Don’t you dare!” at her.

Austin storms through the house in search of Emily. When he finds her, he rips her a new one and declares that he is the man of the house (their father is away in Washington) and he is in charge of her. He bans her from the wedding and locks her in her room for the ceremony.

An enraged Austin harshly rebuking Emily

I loved the scene so much that I watched it again. In a perfect world, Austin would have first spanked his soon-to-be-wife, then done the same to his sister. Preferably together! Imagine a subdued Emily wincing as she sits on a punished bottom during the ceremony, and a contrite young bride walking down the aisle on her husband’s arm, who she has learned is not to be trifled with. What a missed opportunity!

I wish there could be spanking videos filmed with the same level of writing and screenplay as mainstream TV shows. Alas, for now they’ll exist only in my head!

Be still, my heart! (Or, you know, another part of my anatomy)

Ok, I found him – my perfect spanking match. I was looking for videos to satisfy my random spanking needs. Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), I get in a mood to see an authoritative man give a hard spanking to a girl while lecturing her sternly. I loooove hearing “young lady,” “girl,” etc. I love to hear him rehashing what she did wrong and why she’s in trouble. And I like for the spanking to be hard and sometimes fast – none of that playing around and lightly swatting, then massaging, then lightly tapping. Come on now!

My search lead me to SpankingTube, where I found him:

PunishmentsOnly's avatar

He’s PERFECT. He’s stern and his voice is just deep enough. He doesn’t yell – he calmly lectures as he spanks OTK with a firm hand. I ended up watching at least 20 of his videos and they ALL gave me goosebumps and made my stomach drop (in a good way).

Here are some of the very specific things he does that scratch my spanko itch in precisely the right way:

  • The way he rolls up his sleeves while telling the girl over his knee how disappointed he is in her and how she’s about to be punished. Something about seeing a man matter-of-factly roll up his sleeves has always given me a thrill!
  • The way he calmly but authoritatively takes off his belt when needed.
  • His confidence – Everything he does feels very purposeful. When he pauses, you can tell that he’s letting the lesson sink in. There’s no doubt about who’s in charge!
  • The actual spanking technique – solid. You KNOW it hurts. And in the middle of the spanking he goes hard and fast, regardless of how much the girl is squirming around. He doesn’t even make an issue of the fact that she squirms – he just holds her down and keeps spanking.

This man makes me MELT. He’s a no-nonsense alpha male. I feel like he’s going to be playing a large part in my fantasies from now on…

He also kind of makes me wish I’d explored getting spanked by strangers before I got married. When I was younger, that seemed crazy and like a surefire way to get murdered. But now I wish I’d tried it out!

So ladies, if you’re unattached, maybe look him up. Or any spanko man that makes your knees weak. Obviously, take precautions, but seize the day!

Questing for Authority

Yes, three posts in one night! I’ve been holding them in my head lately, so I might as well get it all out now.

As I mentioned earlier, I recently made a career change. I now work as a freelancer, so I go to a private work space and spend a lot of time quietly working on my computer alone. It’s great for a lot of reasons; flexibility, low stress, and actually more earning potential than my last job.

But at the same time, I find part of myself… questing for an authority figure.

Do you believe that people have energy or give off vibes? I’m not sure that I do, but you have to admit that people pick up on so much underlying meaning that’s not verbal. Now that I am my own boss, I feel like I’m a little incomplete. I feel like some inner part of me is longing for an authority figure.

As a (secretly) submissive woman, I’ve always worked best under a strong male leader. When a man who is weak, stupid, or otherwise undeserving of respect is in charge, I find that it brings out my contempt and brattiness. When a woman is in charge, I feel like it’s pretty neutral – doesn’t affect me one way or the other. But when a strong, effective, man is in charge… it gives me goosebumps! Then I strive to please him in my work. I flirt with danger by tempting myself with small disobediences and imagine how he would take me to task.

So now that I am, for the first time in my working life, in charge of myself… I feel a little lost. As a closet submissive, I really enjoy the dynamic of working under someone.

I feel like my energy/vibe right now is searching/longing for a supervisor. I find myself reacting strongly to my male clients and imagining what would happen if I displease them.

Somehow, I think my vanilla husband even felt it. We haven’t had much sex lately, due to lots of hectic life changes. But the other night, when I was feeling particularly in need of an authority figure, he somehow sensed that I was ripe. As I went for our usual goodnight kiss, he grabbed me, kissed me deeply, and forced me against the couch. Things got hot and heavy from there, and we FINALLY had sex!

So I do think that we give off energy that others can pick up on. What do you think? Guys, can you feel it with a woman is dying to be dominated?

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Apparently I miss this!